She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I cut my penus on the lid.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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