dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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