found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
