I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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