i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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