oh god was she eating orange peels again
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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