Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
