I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
