I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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