when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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