Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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