That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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