I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
