Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
