im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
