from now on my penis is your penis
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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