i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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