You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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