If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
