When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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