that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
