Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
