Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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