GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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