Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
