I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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