There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You made out with two different species that night
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
