I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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