super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
