I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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