Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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