Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
