The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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