hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
