tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
