My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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