a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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