when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
