there's paper in my vomit.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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