Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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