I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
