i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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