no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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