So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
