im about as happy as oj after his trial
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
