You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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