i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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