Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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