I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I need to align my fucking chakras
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