i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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